Only now have I come to question

Why are you so far away? 
I said, 
I need you everyday! 

What raging storms have driven you so far into that raging ocean? 

I swam to you to see you, 
pushing around all that water, 
that threatens to drown your heart. 

Why are you so far away? 
we love you everyday, 
slamming doors and raging words, 
still to us, 
we see your face framed in long blond hair, 
running down the street to meet me on my walk. 

Why are you so far away? 
I want you close everyday, 
just to see you smile, 
to laugh through smiling eyes, 
just open up your eyes. 

There has never been a day, 
when anything has made me love you less, 
but I awoke one day and you were gone, 
so far away from yesterday, 
maybe even tomorrow, 
all around inside my head, 
I miss you all the time. 

I wonder if God answered my prayers just to abandon me to despair? 
Has God had enough of me and left me alone in the wilderness to die? 


He is God and he can do as he pleases.
He does not have to answer to me, 
I wither away as this dry wind and the silence that comes from her, 
those non moving lips and that closed door that never opens. 

Only now have I come to question the reasoning for all this, 
He cannot have led me here for this to be the end? 

From the highest high, 
to the lowest low, 
were to begin, 
to make sense of this?


Heavy mind, 
torn heart, 
torn between wanting to be close to her, 
and not being able to reach her, 
no one cares, 
no one knows, 
everyone wants to jump in and fix, 
I need empathy and compassion, 
so lacking for me but demanded from all else, 
not one freind in my heavy heart, 
only the empty walls of my heart, 
blackened by sadness, 
grief and desperation, 
rainy skies, 
quiet solitude, 
no remedy for relief, 
only this grief and a profound awareness of Divine testing that never seems to end.

Prefaced by this divine Litany of grief, 
all these whys and hows, 
related this divine understanding that eludes me, 
becoming dry kindling and chaff that is burned and mixed into dry ground.

I still want you, everyday to be my daughter, 
I will always ask, 
why are you so far away? 


T. S. Deary 
3/16/24