Eulogy

When I consider how wrong I was for so long I repent and ask forgiveness.
All along I was only badly pretending, 
thinking that I knew so much, 
actaully I was a fool, 
all these obstacles to connection, 
all those walls that I once proudly built as high as I could. 
never seeing or understanding the pain and strife I caused to those I shut out, 
broken honor, 
reserved for myself alone, 
betrayal of station, 
self infatutation, 
short on thank you, 
heavy on blame, 
blind to all that I was given, 
a traitor to all that he did. 

The narcissism of adolesence, 
the totality of arrogance, 
the inability to see five minutes in front of me, 
knowing all but aware of nothing, 
biting the hand that fed me, 
head all empty and mouth never shut, 
crying for want of nothing, 
blaming the one who made my life possible, 
short on honor, 
heavy on demands,
how he never shut me out I could never understand, 
the door was never locked even though I slammed it so many times.

I had no understanding of anything, 
I had no right to criticize you, 
no right to demand answers.

I never recognized how hard he tried, 
how quickly I dismissed, 
when the time came to step up he always did, 
more often than not I was there to push him away, 
disregarding the obligation to honor and continuing in rebellion, 
never showing grace, 
never understanding until it was too late, 
now I stand before God, 
and in that skeleton room of confession, 
to pour out my soul, 
because of the wrongs I have done, 
to rectify the guilt I carry, 
asking the Lord for mercy, 
begging Him to forgive my arrogance, 
to infuse his memory into my heart that he may rest in peace, 
I take the lessons to heart, 
I hold them close to me and vow to remember, 
to hear God's law, 
to run to repentance, 
moving from darkness to light, 
despite how it all ended I still believe, 
unshakably and without hesitation. 

It was that feeling of being destroyed by sadness, 
watching his evolving madness. 

He does not remember me, 
yesterday seems so far away, 
adolescent rambling and rebellion, 
horizon so far away, 
now, 
sewing his memories back together, 
to save for later, 
what was once so strong, 
those summer days, 
left me thirsty, 
waiting for autumn, 
dreading winter, 
later I remebered, 
when insence filled the air of the sanctuary, 
sadness looming, 
carried along on a windy day, 
to forgotten corridors, 
dusty shelves, 
piled up with scrapbook photographs, 
images of him in his London Fog coat, 
shiny black shoes, 
icy mornings and steaming coffee, 
never spilling a drop as he drove. 

There will be a time when time runs out, 
a time when days will no longer blend into one another, 
time will cease to go forward, 
when old photos will need to be animated, 
and made to speak in the dialogue of memory.


And in remebering we find...
that first to come is a sense of being crushe dby sadness, 
watching him be slowly swallowed by his madness, 
then, later to come is peace, 
in remembering we wait for that solace to increase. 

T. S. Deary 
6/1/23 - 3/20/24