Maybe you should not talk about your party in front of the person no one bothered to invite.
I learned not to exclude people in that way very early and I thought everyone did the same?
I have been proven wrong and it upset me for about five seconds,
about the time it took me ot realize that I dont want to hang out with any of you any way.
I wonder if any of them understand the way of introverts?
The way we are so quiet.
(how that unsettles people.)
How the mistake of others is that they think we don't notice.
(we always do.)
This explains the intensity of the reactions that you get from us,
almost never a verbal repsonse,
just a definite difference in how our energy reacts to you,
(if you spent five seconds listening instead of posting selfies, you might get it.)
It is not fear, avoidance or shyness but it is disdain.
mostly because you thought we did not notice.
We always notice,
those shifts in your energy,
the comments you thought went unheard,
they were heard and analyzed and they will be used against you,
(indeed, they will be held against you.)
We laugh at you,
because you think we miss the party invite,
what we miss is foreign to you,
genuine connection keeps us alive,
parties and selfies are your domain,
T. S. Deary
Last night was the Feast of the Epiphany and the priest preached about change and new direction.
(the magi returned to their country by another route.)
I wondered about his words and mentally tried to answer his quesitons...
"Had Christmas changed me?" ( I was not able to say yes or no.)
I took it all in, listening to Father's accented English and hearing every word.)
The darkness was deep outside as I made my way home and the manger was still illuminated by the road.
The message lingered in the cormers of my mind, images of the gifts, the star and gifts of gold and how all of Jerusalem was troubled along with Herod,
I searched the sky for the star and the planetary motion pointing to the new born king.
Now my epiphany has come to pass, new realizations and a new way of thinking about why I am the way I am...
(still speaking volumes and sending mental pictures to my tired eyes.)
The further along I go in this life,
the older and wiser I get,
the more I understand my father and his moods,
even his internal motivations and how wrong I hav ebeen all this time.
(to unaware, to young, and to naive to admit this until now.)
I never stopped to think about what he went without so we could have and how I almost never appreciated any of it.
I know he knew and that burden sometimes left him feeling alone and moody, withdrawn.
(slammoing doors and angry words.)
Then came dementia and confusion and allegations that only made partial sense.
Now, here without him,
when the days turned dismay into truths,
I have come to understand how my unkind and ungrateful words pushed doors closed and then bounced around his head to come back to me as if to say..."Someday you will understand."
I remember how hard he worked, often with no thanks,
how much he yearned for our success,
even more how he used his to ensure our own.
How he was proud of us regardless and how I stepped down and gave my all to force him to prove it and he did by continuing ot provide for me when I least deserved it.
How misunderstood and judged he often felt because I had my own ideas and never sought to understand how much likje him I really am.
How he shut some people out of his life not out of malice but because of a deep hurt and feelings he could not easily articualte.
I often gave him no quarter and instead pointed fingers and demanded answers.
(now I know the depths of familial alineation and how he felt towards the one he was once close to.)
I have now born the frustrations and carried them on my shoulders and used its force to slam my own doors shut and push into another a demand for respect if not understanding.
(and now I see on their faces the frustration I once felt towards him.)
I wish I could open doors that have been shut up tight and then dust off the pictures I found of you in the closet after you were gone,
they should be in the gallery of our lives and not in a box.
I wish I could wear your clothes, better yet, to be big and strong enough, to fill the old brown shoes you always wore,
then maybe I could understand where I am now and how wrong I was when the time came for me to shut up but instead I kept talking and yelling and leaving and wearing holes in my shoes from backtracking and walking in circles.
All that wasted breath,
If i could hav eit back I would fill your lifless chest so I could talk to you again and tell you that I undeerstand now,
(the magi returned to their country by another route, changed...understanding.)
Then there are all these hills I still have to climb.
(even though I know I will make it, I wish you were still here pushing me and reminding me that I am a gem in the crown you always wore.)
I never understood how hard it is.
I never understood how well you did all that you were asked to do.
I never realized how wrong I was until the tables were turned on me,
and I was left standing on the other side of those slamming doors.
To have you here now,
to understand why it was the way it was,
if only you could say how,
maybe it is just because...
Maybe it is poetic justice,
maybe this lesson of epiphany is a new phase( of life,
and I am onloy fate's accomplice,
and later on it will soften and calm all of this strife.
The light slanted out fromt he partially open church door.
(barely illuminating the walkway giving a brief and lovely soft light to the angels decorating the walkway)
Meant to instill the meaning of Epiphany and of a new and lasting revelation of the Divine.
And of illuminated journeys to the unknown, forward and backwards seeking new destinations,
all aligning with a new understanding of the past and fitted with great feeling for the future,
all wrapped up in gifts of inscence, frankinsense and myrrh,
and a desire to find my way home by another route.
"Filius patris mei ego sum"
T. S. Deary
2/1/22 - 1/20/23
All of this, of course is for Democracy,
so the masses must obey and bow to the newly established aristocracy,
all of them now baptized in the waters of hypocrisy.
Nothing to see here,
nothing to see!
We will get the numbers out as soon as we finish counting,
meanwhile, the tension and skepticism are mounting.
All of these delays and speculation,
waiting for the official counts and totals, some form of democratic consecration,
all opposition denounced, furhtering degredation.
cannot question what the count reveals!
cannot ask questions of the one's who are elected!
cannot questiopn why the defeated ones lost!
If you do then you are a denier,
worse than any other form of liar.
Don't you know?
All the blame is on those who worshipped at the altar of extremism.
Deniers are now christened, branded as the newest form of atheism.
"Democracy" is a new form of monotheism.
Kari Lake and Katie Hobbs,
one portrayed as fake,
the other added to the list of the latest Democratic heart throbs,
Fetterman, Wornock, AOC, all shepards to this clueless flock.
Nothing to see here,
nothing to see!
We are counting votes steadily,
instead of reaching conclusions,
all their time is spent perpetuating delusions.
11/22 - 01/23
Lake Monroe – Sanford, Florida.
Lex Facit Regum
When the person who resides over the nation as chief executuve exhibits a long train of bizzare behavior and repeated insults to the will and security of the people it becomes necessary for the people to demand a redress of the grievances concerning the current President. We submit these facts for the consideration and on behalf of the Republic.
We hold this truth to be self evident, the current President of the Untied States is an incompetent fool who has engaged in the systematic destruction of the values of the Repub;lic and through a long train of abuses has shown that he is incapable of the job he holds. When one person becomes the instrument of the destruction of this well founded Republic it is the duty of citizens, as an expression of their ultimate soveriegnty, based on the rule of law to submit the facts to a candid world.
We wish to excercise the well established right to petition the government for a redress of grievances. This is the vehicle provided by the Founders as an expression that those elected are beholden to the people, the rule of law and that no one is enthroned absolutely.
He has completely compromsied the security of this nation by failing to secure the southern border.
He presided over and commanded a disastrous, shameful, hurried withdrawal from Afghanistan, leaving Americans behind, emboldened our enemies, emasculated the Armed Forces and dishonored the sacrifice of thousands of the bravest Americans.
He has repeatedly denied knowledge of the business dealings of his son, engaged in a quid pro quo concerning the prosecution of his sons interests in Ukraine.
He has presided over the complete and total collapse of the life blood of the nations economy, oil, and in doing so, he has plunged this nation into an economic downturn not seen in forty years,
He has demonstrated repeated, personal space, violations toward women and children and has never been investigated for a credible claims of sexual assault and innapropriate conduct towards his own daughter.
He has made a series of bizzare, incoherent, and inflammatory statemetns that indicate an ongoing and alarming pattern of cognitive decline.
He has emasculated the military readiness of this nation by imposing an ideology of social justice and woke ideals that constitute a compromise of the military readiness of all branches of the armed forces.
He has selected a judge to sit on the Supreme Court based solely on gender and race and not on idelogy or fitness for office and in doing so he has disregarded the tenets of meritocracy.
He promised to unite the country but has only further divided it into increasingly extreme factions and has never attempted to compromise on the issues of energy, abortion, inflation, domestic oil production or election security.
He has never acknowledged his own acrimonious role in the attempted assassination of a Supreme Court Justice.
He gave a speech, flanked by two Marines, villifying millions for not agreeing with him and then insisting that it was not a political speech.
He has increased the national debt, overstepped executive authority and cancelled legally contracted student loan debt without the input of Congress.
He has used the FBI to investigate and to implicate his chief political rival, in an ongoing, harassing and unnecessary political investigation unprecedented in American history.
He has steadfastly refused to address the concerns of millions about election security, his own legitimacy and passes over the fact that a large percentage of his own party never accepted the reults of the election of 2016.
His son has compromised the integrity of the office he holds and he continues to deny the reality of the infamous lap top containing videos and photos of his descent into drugs, prostitutes and various compromised and ongoing lies related to his business dealings.
He has as his Vice President, a Senator from California, assigned to deal with the crisis at the southern border. To this day she has never once visitied the border or even spoken in a serious manner about the serious and grave consequences of an unsecured border.
He himself has allowed the border on the southern portion of the United States to remain open and has never visited to see the results of his own disastrous policies.
He repeatedly blames his predecessor for problems and issues that he is responsible for and has never taken blame for the descent of this nation into undeniable chaos.
He has been the recipient fo an undeniable media bias, a supression of stories that portray him in an unflattering light and has never been held accountable for anything negative that is a result of his own misguided policies.
He has allowwed the Stategic Petroleum Reserve to plummet to a dangeroulsy low level further compromising the national security and economic independence of the Reublic he leads.
He has presided over an extensive crime wave in major American cities that has set new records for homicides, aggravated assaults and burglaries.
He has cancelled, with tyrannical indifference to the consequnces of his actions, a pipeline of vital economic importance for energy, into the U.S. and has given his approval for a pipeline to a nation hostile to the United States.
The people of the United States, in keeping with the established Republican and Democratic ideals, their rights enshrined and duly excercised by citizens as expressed in the Bill of Rights and made sacrosanct by the Almighty and aware of the dwindling repsect for their Republic ask and wait for a redress of the listed grievances. The target of this petition is the current administration and is one of our sacred God given rights. We ask for change and we remind the government of where their power comes from.
T. S. Deary – American Citizen
10/1 – 12/22/22
A Tempest Time
The storm came through in early October and leaving behind flooded streets and overflowing the banks of the river all along route 44.
The morning was foggy, a week past Ian, and hanging just above the tallest grass.
Driving west we saw a young deer, a buck, still growing antlers, making his way through the water near the draw bridge, leaping and moving fast looking for dry land.
The day warned and the games began, the coach was grumpy and I did not get it since the team was winning the game.
Aiden stole home and made it by a mile, no need to slide, all amiles he retreated ot the dug out.
(he wanted to pitch but they played him in the outfield, shagging fly balls and robbing home runs.)
Driving home we listened to Tom Petty and I drove on as he asked me about the lyrics, then he asked me if I thought that the deer had mede it across the flooded part of the woods?
I often wonder when I look at him, what is going on between his ears and what feelings lodge inside his heart as he runs from one impulse to the next.
Him, with those eyes that dart across the room from one place on the wall to the next, running legs chasing the ball that he hit himself.
Seems to me that he hjas had that same look his whole life, like he is listening to things only he can hear.
Running on some unseen internal fuse, no time ot waste, beginning over and over again and again, until there is nothing left and he is forced to find something new.
He was hard for me to understand when he was younger and he is hard to understand now,
He wants everyone to know that he is here, to be loved and to be told that he has done well.
Then come the mental tempest storms and we face off because I know things that he does not and I have to help him understand things that he has never thought of.
I remember when he was little and he would get to the end of the slide and instead of getting up he would just lay there and wait for someone to pick him up, staying on the ground and staring up at the sky.
Now he is all over here and all over there and then back again once more, endlessly looping, and still looking for what he wants to see.
Being young, you crumble under unfamilair weight and cry over precieved unfair demands, citing the lack of same on others.
But then there is me shaking my head and reminding you that what you need is not the same as others.
Once the uncoordinated child and now you have grown and have become so much better, such an accomplished athlete, all style and ease and achieveing things I never came close too.
In the evenings, I concern myslef with the way his life is going and how long I have before someone figures out that I am close to drowning and to wonder if the look in some of their eyes is one of sympathy or one that says the plan ios to leave me on my own in order that I learn lessons that have been so long in coming.
(think of all the times that I treid to explain and of all the times the given explanation had no impact at all.)
I wonder if he still thinks about that deer splashing through the flood waters and then disappearing into the woods?
T. S. Deary
10/11 – 12/7/22
Hiding in Plain Sight
I believe I cannot endure with all of this apathy I am confronted with, along with the blank stares and the complete disregard of courtesy.
The there is the complete diregard for anything that is not rechargeable.
Them, dressed and looking more like they are ready for bed rather than school, in their crocks and sweats,
sunglasses to hide reddened eyes and as a way to hide and to stay aweay from anything meaningful.
All caught up in bong resin and teenage, quickie sex, with cocky and overly confident smiles that betray how you really feel,
better, smarter and unstoppable and how you believe that you will never get older than what you are right now.
So strong and so skiny bit there is nothing between your ears, eyes closed and your chin upon your chest.
What do you have to look forward too?
do you know that all you currently hold dear is doomed to fade away and then to bloqw away like ash in the wind?
These day won’t last forver, indeed, I am here to tell you that these days will fade and disappearand then you will be right where you have said you would never be.
Maybe, before that time comes someone will teach you how to react to people in a way that does not make them want to smack you up the side of the head thereby closing your vulgar and ungrateful mouths.
Not everything you want can be gotten, plenty of important things happened before you even got here,
not everything is regulated by the internal thermometer that are your feelings, in fact there are plenty of times that they wont matter,
but by all means go on pretending that the world owes you, go on pretending that the sun is not the center of the universe,
the way you expect me to reveolve around all your desires and then you pretend that nothing has been given to you.
Hands out always,
taking and never giving,
always wanting to receive,
never giving back,
all that entitlement that drips from your self serving lips.
5/12 – 12/22/22
Response to the Adolescent Young Man
I heard what you had to say about my age, my wife as well as the comments about my life and its lack of excitement.
Here is my response:
If your little High School romance is still going in thirty years come and see me, then we can talk.
Until then keep thinking that your make out sessions, the ones that you think prove you are in love and that your little hallway meetings are the pinnacle of what God intended love to be.
Then there is all the brooding you do when she refuses to kiss you as if that means that you have proven that you love her, no, come and talk to me when you have actually weathered some storms and then, when the skies clear and you are still together, then we can talk.
(until then keep your peach fuzzed face quiet because we are not on the same level.)
After all the prom photos,
after all the homecoming parties,
the graduation euphoria,
because after all of this is when the reality of now sets in,
then age comes and goes, then what you see in the mirror changes, then and only then will you come to understand how wrong you are now, so gain, I say,
“Until then young man.”
“Until when?” Said he with the bravado of an adolescent smirk.
Until you can say that you are still together when you have nothing else,
when you are dead broke and still together,
when you pass by her and she is not happy to see you and you don’t run away ready to quit,
when everything you have ever wanted is unnatainable, the answer is no and there seems to be no chance that you will overcome,
when she comes to be over 50 and her looks have changed and you no longer spend your days making out and holding hands,
when you have responsibilities that you cannot now fathom and there is no time for anything else,
when the starry eyed loveliness becomes clouded because the world gets in the way,
when you realize that love is not a feeling and that it cannot be measured by how much sex you have,
when you realize that a person you claim to love so much can and will act in an unlovable way time and time again,
until you realize that the one you made fun of is the one you will become soon enough,
until you have seen each other at your worst and stay anyway.
maybe you can come to the conclusion that lasting is a choice and further that it is not a choice that you know how to make nor is it one that you have ever made, in your ripped jeans and lomng hair about her with her smooth skin and her untouched eyes so bright and young, unchanged by stress or worry.
Until, you have lived a life beyond these High School walls.
T. S. Deary
10/31 – 11/11/22