Original Poetry – T.S. Deary

(for Dennis Charpentier)

I remember and have seen all the lives you have left your mark upon.

Now suddenly you are gone.

The world is so different now,

descended is a cloud of grief,

pushing through the furrows of my mind,

like an overbearing emotional plow.

If only I could take one last walk with you!

Just to the end of the road and back,

I would be glad to be by your side and if the conversation lagged behind then familiar sights and sounds would put it back on track.

Friend…..

where have you gone?

If only there was one more time to talk.

Freind…..

where have you gone?

Refresh old memories from days spent fishing off the dock…..

Summer days now long gone,

days of carefree freedom and swimming off the dock,

memories on my heart cry out like a trembling, new born fawn.

School days now long gone,

baseball at recess,

laughing to tears at stories told and retold,

an everlasting strength and bond.
II. Siempre (Always)

I will never hear your voice again,

but I will remember it always.

It is imprinted on my mind’s ear and when I listen I can still hear it.

In my mind’s eye,

I still see us as children,

Fishing as the sun fades into the Spring sky when endings were just beginnings.

I think of you as friend and I praise the impact you have on my life,

because it lives now as it lives then.

Only,

Now I wish it was still high summer and I could jump off the dock again and again and the flying spray of water would be a sacramental reminder of the endless cycle of life death and birth.

So someday soon I will go down to that pond and wash my hands in that water and give thanks to God that I knew you,

and I will look for you in the smiles of good people,

with gentle souls,

and warm hearts,

and in picture perfect sunsets that end sunny summer days with the echoes of friends jumping into the water.

Siempre (Always)

Mourning tears,

become sunset acceptance,

followed by morning remebrance,

Siempre (Always)

T.S. Deary

18 September – 21 September 2017

I. Search

I have been looking for you.

I began a long time ago even though I knew you had already left.

I watched.

I was there.

I know you were out to rest…..

But I thought I saw you later on.

Now too much time has passed and the world has continued to turn.

Heaven I still have not found.

The only comfort I have on this search is the heaven you have found.

II. Reunion

I have been without you now for days.

But not today!

Today – the memories flooded my mind.

Like the rain that fell all summer – as if the sun had melted all the ice you left behind!

T.S. Deary

Today I heard a song that I have not heard in a long time. It is a song that I wish I had written the lyrics for. To me there is something incredibly nostalgic and moving about the words and sounds of the music. My favorite line is “I can make a dream that’s only half awake come true.” Those words speak to me on a primal level. To me the line is about grief. Grief makes all of my senses sharper. Grief makes me so much more aware of the lack of presence that was once so real and that is now so gone. We tend to think that death ends a relationship in the same way it ended a life. It does not. Death ends the physical presence of the deceased in our world but it does not end our relationship with the deceased. The remembrance of the deceased makes the dream that is only half awake come true. The dream coming true is the realization that the relationship endures. Yesterday is gone but tomorrow is yet to come. This is the comfort in the midst of the storm of grief. That dream is true! I maintain relationships with those I have lost every time I remember them, every time I laugh at a remembered joke or saying or when I see their face in that of a stranger. All of those moments are dreams that were once only half awake coming true. 

T.S. Deary 

I picked up the pieces of the seasons that were scattered all over the yard.

In front of the mirror,

we reenacted scenes from her life,

acts taken from four seasons,

reflected,

in polished glass.

When it was over,

we used our tears,

to wash the mirror,

and collected the extra,

to bless ourselves in Church.

I slept in her bed that first night,

as my mind played tunes to me,

as if to entertain me,

and to nurture profound grief,

the same way the cycle of seasons never seems to end.

I love the change of seasons especially the change from summer to autumn. Growing up in New England this was an especially wonderful and spiritual time. Growing up in New England made the transition especially wonderful. The change was so visible and real. As a Boy Scout and with my family I went to New Hampshire and was always incredibly touched by the way the mountains looked painted with bright and wonderful colors. It showed the beauty of change and the symbolism of letting go in a real and passionate way. It has always been a time of reflection and deep spiritual significance for me. Those colored leaves, frost and shorter days made me reflect on changes and the inevitable need to confront change. Whatever goes away eventually comes back again. Autumn is the going away. Winter is the time of grief and spring is the delivery of the promise of renewal.

Recently I learned of the death of someone I have not seen in quite a while. When I was a child we were extremely close and shared alot of great times centered around the pond behind his house. When I heard of his passing I immediately went to that place and it felt like I was there yesterday! I could hear us, I could see the scene, I could smell those summer days. Those were times that neither of us ever forgot and they are remembered in the bittersweet feeling of grief. I was sad that those scenes will never happen again but in was exceedingly glad that they were there to be remembered. Long ago I made peace with the inevitable appearance of death at some point. I live my life with faith and I have a strong and certain sense that death is not the end. Still, I was struck by how random the universe can be and how people can literally be here one day and gone the next. I know where he is now but a big part of me that wants him to be here now for the sake of his kids, his wife, his family and the memories we once made.