There is no comfort in the moment

So now I am led again to this place,

still with this sad look upon my face.

To this barren place.

nothing grows,

cold and dark, like outer space,

some permanent concrete pose.

So now I am once again in this wilderness,

once again seeking the divine mad holy forgiveness.

In this rocky, dried up land,

neither here not there,

through my hands this shifting sand,

we grow apart, now a silent pair.

Where have you gone my girl, where will we end up, precious pearl, can’t we drink from the same cup?

How much further until we cannot turn back again and find what we have left behind, scattered across the floor like yesterday’s news.

Approaching the end of time, it seems, and no one can see what is written in my heart, to busy blaming and shoving, then comes the yelling and the angry words and you telling me you don’t know me.

There are flashbacks to better times and lighter days when there was some joy to be found in the shape of your eyes, when you smiled and held my hand on the way to the movies.

Now comes the point of no return at the precipice of change and nothing will ever be the same again – again you claim not to know me and I keep reaching as you turn away.

I feel myself getting older and you moving through the time and space that we inhabit and into an unknown void where I am here and you are there and there is nothing left to do or say.

This is not now,

Now is not then,

No one to tell me how,

Silly boys turn into lsot men.

The only time you know is now,

the only yesterday is forgotten,

no one to tell you how,

a branded one so troubled, to me never misbegotten.

There is no one, not one single person who has even tried to understand what it has been like watching you spit in my face and then turn form me and understand how much I still love you and want to reach you.

How about a fuck you to all those who just don’t get it and never will and then we can stop and try to understand each other and how we might be able to go forward from here, from this empty, barren place to a place where we smile at the sun and the rain?

I would rather die than ever see you be hurt and if I was and am the cause of that hurt I would rather die than deny someone I love so much a chance at restitution.

I want one more time when your hand is in mine and we walk happy and when your hair gets in your eyes and you don’t push my hand away when I go to push it back behind your ears.

This was unexpected,

like a pebble in my shoe and a grain of sand in my eye and it is an uncomfortable trying to move forward with you standing still, I will stand an wait outside your door until I am an old man and go to heaven with half my heart just to reach you and then to have you smile like you once did.

There will never be a time when this house is not your home and even the doors that you slam on me will always be unlocked so when you are to tired you can always come home again.

Some mornings when you are on the school yard with your proud swagger and easy bravado I wonder if you see me looking your way and without saying so admiring you and how beautiful you are, with your braided blond hair sometimes with it falling on your shoulders or gently blowing in the wind.

It is no comfort in the moment to be told you are just a teenager and this separation is part of growth and it does no good for me to hear any of that because what is happening here is so much deeper than that, you reject me form a sense of caution and a fear of abandonment and you seek to avoid becuase it is too painful for you to relive.I ma outside looking in like a stranger who you refuse to pretend is even you friend.

I am outside looking in and you cant even pretend that I am a friend and all the while deliver the hardest lessons I have ever learned, just because I want to love you does not mean you will receive it with joy.

All these shades of yesterday,

all this mental and relational tension,

your head full of all that tension that you can’t even mention,

left unsaid, all those things you have chosen not to say.

All these mental snapshots,

hanging in a dusty gallery,

no amount of genuine flattery,

like the silence descended on vacant, unused lots.

Then there are all the other issues,

so often cast aside like used tissues,

always boxed up and never opened,

keep those mental games away and let the blows be softened.

It is no comfort in the moment to hear what others have to say about where I went wrong and what should be done. Though they mean well i cannot see the comfort they propose.

It is no comfort in the moment to hear that you will come back when you are older, sometime far removed from now, no, it makes me angry to have to wait and then sad that no one understands me, no one comprehends how hurtful and devastating it is to me to lose you especially after all I went through to have you in my life.

I always knew the time would come for you to be on your own, I was just unprepared for you to leave me so soon.

3/8 – 3/21/21

T. Deary – P.A.F.M.